Workout By Jimmy (a bit of silliness really)

It’s quite common for husbands of teachers who are on Fulbright Teaching Exchanges in foreign countries to, shall I say, “add a few more love handles” while sitting around making sorry attempts at learning the local language, eating imported processed food and basically consuming more calories than culture. It is for this imperative and most desperate reason that I have developed a cutting-edge, or rather “cutting-bulge,” workout program I hope to share with other pounds-prone husbands of brilliant women.

Follow this plan and you too will be able to maintain a svelte, handsome figure even foreign dignitaries will envy.

Phase I - Cardiovascular (i.e. breathing hard while sweating profusely)
We have the fortune of living next to a park complete with swings, monkey bars and around 400 meters of circular sidewalk fun. This has become our running track as exercising on the road would more closely resemble playing dodgeball with rickshaws than actual jogging. It’s important to run at night so as to avoid the humidity, high temperatures and scores of locals staring curiously at your sweating American self-conscious self. Although you may be tempted to lowly chant “U…S…A… ….U…S…A…” as you zoom past the speed-walking-70-year-old-turban-wearing-man, avoid all thoughts of Olympic delusions and remember to run on the LEFT of opposing foot traffic. 30 minutes on the track and you’ll be a fit, healthy, dehydrated husband in no time.

Here I can barely be seen rounding the corner in most excellent form. The camera was lucky to catch me.


Phase II – Strength training (i.e. fighting gravity like a champ)
As our apartment didn’t come with a Nautilus machine, complete Bowflex Body Shaping System or that Chuck Norris contraption, I’ve developed a revolutionary new strength training program by which I use ONLY MY BODY WEIGHT to maintain and build muscle mass. Push-ups, tricep chair dips, crunches, and, finally what I like to call, PORCH-UPS (known in gyms as pull-ups) are muscle maximizers you can do almost anywhere.

Here I can be seen completing a set of 100 PORCH-UPS, give or take 90.


Phase III – Flexibility and Toning (i.e. be the porch monkey)
You may have tried yoga like I did – once – only to gain torn ligaments and bruised ribs (see blog entry “On Turning 32…”). I have discovered a far more user-friendly stretching and toning exercise right on my back porch. No, not barbequing in a hammock but TRAVERSING. Since you probably packed your climbing shoes like I did, go ahead and pull them out, cram your feet into those cruel little shoes and begin traversing the wall on your back porch with Spider-Man finesse. Oops, careful…don’t touch the ground or else Doc Oc will grab you! (The use of delusions of grandeur are acceptable here, although not when company is present.) Challenge yourself by limiting the number of blocks that can be used and speed at which you climb. You’ll have forearms like Popeye and the flexibility of Gumby in no time.

Here I can be seen either intently pulling off a 5.14d boulder problem or pretending to be Peter Parker. I can’t remember.


Phase IV – Protein Power-Up (i.e. chow down)
Trimming down that gut and building up those muscles require a balanced mixture of exercise and eating the right foods. It’s good to eat foods that may resemble the same color as muscle fibers – something in the pink range. Strawberry ice cream is pink, which makes it a perfect candidate for a post-workout protein power-up. Remember to drink plenty of water and pink lemonade if possible.

Here I can be seen eating a well-earned portion of pink protein goodness.


Though you may have had your doubts, husbands of Fulbright Exchange Teachers can indeed stay fit while their wives are busy being cultural ambassadors at school by simply adopting this proven regiment. Perhaps you too could have this conversation as I have time and time again:
“Hey honey, how did teaching at a foreign school go today?”
“Great. Hey, nice abs!”

Jimmy